I really need to get something I can beat up when I’m angry. Like an old car. I really feel like beating up an old car with a tire iron.
It’s especially true when I’m angry at myself. When I’m angry at myself I need to hurt something.
And it’s probably best that I stop using myself as a bunching bag, so to speak.
Dec/30/2010 - 3:33 PM
Got my grades today. 2 As, 2 A-s, and a C.
Advice to everyone: NEVER TAKE NEUROSCIENCE. IT WILL RAPE YOU IN THE ASS.
My overall GPA is still really good, but I hate when you’re like… .3 points away from eligibility for something. No Dean’s List for me this semester.
(I know I sound like…really crazy and like a hyper-perfectionist… And that it doesn’t matter that much… But I really *need* to get into grad school for what I want to do. And Dean’s List every semester would’ve looked really good on my CV)
Dec/30/2010 - 1:03 PM
Let’s recap shall we:
- Repeal of don’t ask don’t tell
- US-Russian arms treaty
- Food safety bill
- 9/11 health bill
I mean, yes, it’s devastating that the Dream Act didn’t get through (hell, it didn’t even get voted on). But seriously, before this week, the only good thing that got through Congress this year was the bill to make TV commercial turn their volume the fuck down.
Well…at least some things are getting done…Before the Hell and sadness that will be the Republican majority in the House next year.
Dec/18/2010 - 10:49 PM
I’ve turned to the internet for this ever since middle school. I’ve always had close friends, and always at least one person whom I could talk about things too…although I’ve been able to open up more emotionally in the past few years than before…
I know I have people who love and care about me offline. But like…right now…either hard for that objective reasoning to be helpful for a few reasons:
- My relationships with my partner and my roommate are strained as of late. Because of that, its hard for me to either believe that it’s true, or find the expression of caring comforting (respectively).
- Some people can comfort me when I’m upset. Other people can’t. Not nearly as well anyway. I’m not sure why; it’s just the way it is. Even when things aren’t weird between my roommate and I (who has been a good friend of mine for over 5 years now), she is not one of those people who can comfort me. It’s unfortunate but true.
- And pretty much all my other remotely close friends (and family) live no where near me. There long-distance love and caring is nice, but it just doesn’t have the same effect.
People over the internet might be far away, on the other side of a computer screen. But for some reason they can seem closer and more comforting than that.
Also…the internet can be distracting, which helps me forget my troubles.
I just wish I didn’t have to. I wish I could only turn the internet for fun and lulz and friendships and to support OTHERS. But I wish I wasn’t in such a rut that I needed this.
Dec/18/2010 - 6:33 PM
I read my texts on my partners phone between him and his other partner.
And I lied to him and said I didn’t.
And the texts make me feel insecure and terrible.
She makes him happy. And after the troubles we’ve been having lately, I really feel like I don’t. I did once. I have the capacity to in the future. But I don’t right now.
I just want to curl up into a ball. And
Maybe I could have compersion if I knew I made my partner happy as well. But without that…I just have pain.
Dec/18/2010 - 6:20 PM
3 yrs old: My mommy is the best!
7 yrs old: Mom, I love you.
10 yrs old: Mom whatever…
17 yrs old: OMG my mom is so annoying.
18 yrs old: I wanna leave this house.
25 yrs old: Mom, you were right.
35 yrs old: I wanna go back to my mom’s house.
50 yrs old: I don’t wanna lose my mom….
70 yrs old: I would give… up everything …for my mom to be here with me.
Mommy, even tough sometimes I don’t like you, I just want you to know. I LOVE YOU.
Reblog if you appreciate your mom.
Two smileys that describe my life right now.
I’m just all over the place emotionally, aren’t I?
Yesterday evening I hung out with my partner (and ended up spending the night) and he was really hot… I mean…I think he always is honestly, but he was especially so last night and this morning. So that was nice.
Also…we talked…and I think things are going better, at least for now.
Also…sex 2.5 times (one time I just sucked his cock; but it’s alright, I quite enjoyed that too) That was quite lovely. And I experienced the orgasmic pleasure of playing with my clitoris and my asshole while fucking me. Ladies, I highly recommend this if you haven’t tried it yet.
Although… I have a lot of insecurities to work on over break. I’ve let myself lapse on trying to work through those and through my depression…and when you let yourself lapse, it just gets worse.
Also, today a fellow student (suffering a mental break from finals, I’m sure) in the library was like “I think I want a hug right now… Anyway want a hug?”. I raised my hand. Free hugs are always awesome.
Just finished my BDSM project. Lotsa fun. Christmas break is sooo close. I can’t wait.
So yes…these days have been good. And this weekend looks good. The only thing that could make it better is if I could get a damn babysitting job. I’m the poorest I’ve been…possibly ever. But it’s ok, I get by. And Christmas will bring - along with the joy of family and friends - presents and money. Always a plus. A needed plus.
Dec/17/2010 - 2:02 AM