Recently, @cjernigan asked me “Tell me about your poly relationship,” and the question was so broad I didn’t quite know how to address it. How did it happen? What is it like? How do we do it? Is it about sex? I get a lot of the same questions from people when they find out, so I put together a (probably unnecessarily) long FAQ that covers many of the things people usually want to know. I figure I can then link this if I get the same questions again, and if people have questions about things I didn’t cover, go ahead.
I used first letters for the names even though 95% of my followers know who all these people are. I used this on the off-chance that this gets reblogged or quoted or otherwise passed around, because I love these people and don’t want to violate their privacy. I know it’s kind of annoying.
Please note: I’m a pretty open person and I don’t mind answering questions about my sexuality. I welcome questions and actually feel like most questions are indicative of interest and even respect, and I rarely get offended or upset. If something is too intrusive, I just won’t answer. However, this is not a reflection of all people who identify as poly, queer, or otherwise OSGM. Many people do not appreciate being interrogated about their sexuality. When you find out that someone has a sexual identity or gender identity you don’t understand, be careful with questions, even if you’re genuinely curious. I only say this because I know that sometimes individuals in minority groups are expected to represent the whole, and I would hate for someone on tumblr to see me candidly answer “do you have threesomes,” assume that such questions are universally appropriate, and go on to ask a trans person unintentionally hurtful questions about zir genitals or a lesbian about the mechanics of her partnered sex.
This is a very good post to read :)
This article fundamentally helped change my views on monogamy and social norms.
My favorite idea? Adults should have the relationships that work best for them, and the other consenting adult(s) they want to be involved with. What is natural does not matter.
- Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
- Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
- Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.
- Being unsure of how someone feels about you.
- Feeling like they are mad at you.
- Being misunderstood by people you care about.
- Being judged by people you care about.
- Feeling like you lost something that was never yours.
- Feeling like you’re doing too much.
- Thinking you aren’t doing enough.
- Not knowing if you should say something.
- Worried about what they’ll think if you do say it.
- Feeling like you care more than they do.
Fuck. Nothing in my life is going right, is it?
Dunno when that opportunity will present itself again. Probably never
Nov/26/2010 - 6:29 PM
Which is why if push comes to shove and his new partner can’t be happy in a poly relationship, he will pick her wants and needs; he won’t be like “well, this is what I want/need” because he doesn’t want to give her up. Because there’s potential there for him. Because it’s new; there’s so much possibility. He “owes it to [himself] to explore what could happen.” He doesn’t want to give her up. (I mean, of course he doesn’t, but so much so that he’s willing to compromise his wants.)
But it feels like he’s perfectly content to give me up.
I mean…I know he wouldn’t want to. And I know he would want to continue our deep emotional relationship, and be hurt if he couldn’t. But could I do that? Would I really be able to? I don’t think so.
Me finally accepting and exploring his current poly wants and my intrigue in polyamory is supposed to make my life easier. This isn’t supposed to happen. It isn’t fair!
And I know it’s only one possibility of what will happen. But it’s still a very real possibility. And I can do nothing but dwell on it. *sigh*
(Also, fuck the lies that love fixes everything. It doesn’t mean that things always work)
Nov/25/2010 - 1:21 PM
The one time my dad can’t be even indirectly blamed (well, Freud might beg to differ) for ruining my holiday, I have to ruin my own
Why do I have to be in love with a man who even though he loves me, doesn’t love me as strongly?
Why does it have to be that you can love someone…but sometimes serious relationships are too hard to handle between the two of you?
And why does drinking and hurting myself not make me feel any better at all? It usually can, but I still can’t stop crying.
Nov/25/2010 - 3:35 AM
He told me to read the bible.
I didn’t take it badly. I mostly laughed (in my head). He’s like…74, and I knew he was really conservative, so it’s not that weird.
(Hell, I’m pleasantly surprised he knew what bisexuality was.)
He also said he loves me no matter what, and I need to decide for myself if what I feel I’m doing is right; no one else can tell me I’m wrong. He didn’t tell me I’m going to Hell or anything.
He thinks it’s a sin ‘cause it’s in the bible… But I’m gonna try to change his mind. Do some digging into Christian resources in support of LGBT things. Any resources you have on you would be incredible helpful.
Nov/23/2010 - 3:18 AM
These are some very helpful thoughts. I especially like the part about making a list of things you like about yourself (and ways you feel you enhance your partner’s life) and keeping that list with you to look at:
“You become good at whatever you practice. A person who is insecure becomes very good about being insecure because he practices being insecure every day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. You practice being insecure by thinking about those old insults you heard in fifth grade, remembering them, believing them, telling yourself they are true. You practice being insecure by going over in your mind all the reasons you are not good enough to be with your partner, and imagining how easily he could abandon you if he just wakes up and realizes how worthless you are. You practice being insecure by making lists of everything that is wrong with you.
People who are secure practice being secure. It’s no different, really. To practice being secure, stop thinking about all those old insults—when they come into your mind, tell yourself firmly ‘No, these are false, and I choose not to believe them any more. Why should I believe people who do not like me?’ When you find yourself thinking about all the things that are wrong with you, stop, and say ‘No, these are wrong, and here is why. Here is a list of things that are good and sexy about me instead.’ (Corny as it sounds, keeping a written list of things you like about yourself in your pocket helps.) When you find yourself thinking of all the reasons your partner does not really want you, or all the reasons some other person is better than you, stop yourself and say ‘No, this is false.’”
I’m a 32-A. I mean…my partner tells me he likes my breasts. But he seems to really favor Bs and Cs on other girls.. He says he just likes pretty breasts, and there’s are pretty, and mine are pretty, too, and therefore he likes them.
But I’ve always had an insecurity about my cup size. Ever since 4th grade (yeah…I know) when I got made fun of in the locker room for wearing a training bra, even though “I didn’t even have anything”.
My breasts fit my body…I’m petite; they look good. And I get curves from my ass. But I still…idk…I don’t want huge boobs (I don’t like huge boobs), just Bs…
But I DON’T want enhancement surgery. It removes feeling from the area…and then whats the point?!
I just wish there was a natural way to grow them.
Or society liked small breasts and therefore I wouldn’t care.
Or I didn’t have security issues.
Nov/21/2010 - 11:29 PM